November 7, 2001 11:19 PM

Geez, it's been a while. I apologize for all my neglect, but basically school hit me with a brick wall two weeks ago and I'm just beginning to recover. Since my last entry, I've had a really good Halloween (click here for the pic), had a not so good two weekends with UCLA's chances at the Rose Bowl and a national championship shot to a bloody pulp, started tryouts for Pilipino Cultural Night, worked my butt off another paper, and stressing over my play. Oh, and I saw Patrick Stewart. THAT'S RIGHT, PATRICK "CAPTAIN 'KICK ASS' PICARD" STEWART! He was designated as UC's Regent Lecturer for this year, and he gave a lecture on the character Shylock of Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice this afternoon. He was amazing! He even acted out the five scenes that Shylock played!!! He totally blew me away with his seamless delivery and thoughtfulness of his portrayal. If I ever decide to be a professional actor, I totally want to be as professional as he is. Unfortunately, all this new insight on acting made me blank out on a bunch of lines at my rehersal! I was a bit upset at myself, but at the same time I know that I'm really going to know this character by the time the next rehersal comes around. It's going to be awesome! OK, I need to go study my lines again, but hopefully I won't take as long of an absence from y'all. For those who checked for updates for the past two weeks and didn't get any, I'm sorry. You readers do mean a lot to me, and thanks. Love, Randy

October 22, 2001 11:59 PM

Well it's nice to be able to come back and write in this journal again. I had such a busy time this weekend with a midterm on Friday, Friendship Games at Fullerton and the sweet, murderous revenge against Cal at the hands of UCLA on Saturday (In your face, Michelle!). I don't really have much to say, other than that I'm happy just to have the little bit of time just to write. I'm hoping to get another picture webpage up for the family archives this week, probably the Medel Family Reunion. I'm also happy that people are visiting both my sites. It means a lot that people are visiting and showing interest; I put in so much work into these sites for others to enjoy, and it appears that it is. If only someone would sign my guestbook.... :oP

October 18, 2001 2:28 PM

It's pretty late, but I've been working on this English paper. It wasn't hard, in fact, I throughly enjoyed writing it. I put a lot of heart into it, as my professor asked (Lauri's so tight!), and I actually think it's worthy of a spot in my journal. So if you really want to understand the essence of who I am, you must read this.

Learning from Despair

      When I chose to write about my educational life, I was na�ve to think that I would be writing about school. Indeed, as I sat down to brainstorm, I found that the most profound educational experiences of my life had nothing to do with the classroom. In fact, when I had finished my brainstorming, the list of educational events I compiled consisted of periods in my life when I had gone through great pain or sorrow. Although I surprised myself with the list I generated, I was not all that shocked, for it was out of those great trials of my life where I gained a fresh understanding of it. I look back on my greatest trial, dealing with the death of my Grandfather, to remember the process of anguish, self-hatred, and recovery, which yielded an enlightenment that no amount of lecture could have re-created.
      I remember the first few years elementary school that I so relied on my Grandfather. I relied on him to feed me, to watch over me, to take care of me. I honestly didn't know what I would do without him. I did understand that he was old, and the idea of his death would sometimes cross my mind and it horrified me. But as the years passed and he showed no signs of illness, those fears began to subside. He got older and death was coming closer, but I never noticed because he was always the earliest to get up every morning to make the coffee, always sitting in his chair watching the Price is Right, always washing the dishes, always staring out into the street, watching passers-by go for their daily constitutionals, always there to make my lunch, walk me to school, and walk me home. After a while, I began to believe that he would live forever. Not literally, but I thought that he would always live another day, which was, in essence, living forever. Little did I know that in the middle of my 8th grade year, forever would come.
      There is no possible way I can adequately describe in three pages the events of that day, when the paramedics came and exposed my Grandfather's chest to coarse sparks through his chest, only to find that none of those sparks would stay, when family members began to file into the house, knowing that one of their own had gone away, when an old, wrinkled, recently-turned widow wailed for hours on end in a language I could not understand, and yet understood with full comprehension, when the body bag finally came in and confirmed my worst fears, when we prayed that day, looking for an explanation or reason for all this grief.
      All I can say is that the months following that day were some of the worst in my life. I'd never had anyone so dear to me pass away and I didn't know how to cope. I was expecting to see him when I came home from school, but I came home, heartbroken to see an empty house. I thought that if death could come to my grandfather, who did not appear to be ill when he passed away, it could just as easily come to my sisters or my parents; how could I cope if they passed away, WHEN they pass away? But worst of all, I felt a deep feeling of regret that I could never repay the love that my Grandfather displayed to me. I just kept on thinking, "How many times could I have said thank you when I should have? How many times should I have said 'I love you' when I didn't? Did he even know that I loved him? How many times did I take advantage of his generosity when the ice cream truck came by, or when I wanted to stay and play with my classmates afterschool, forcing him wait an hour, or even two hours before we went home?" I questioned my own decency as a grandson and as a human being, and I can't tell you how many times I stayed up at night, crying out to whomever may be listening "I'm sorry," but feeling like no one in the world would listen, nor care. All that kept me from suicide was the logic that it would only add to the pain my family was suffering and that my Grandfather would have never put so much effort into shaping my life only for me to waste it. Living was awful, but it was the least I could do for him and my family.
      I had a dream around May of 1996, three months after the funeral, when all my emotions came to a head. I dreamt that my parents and I were returning to our house when, at the top of the stairs, we saw my Grandfather, wearing the same clothes he wore when he died: heavy green jacket, maroon sweater, plaid pants, slippers, etc. When we reached the top of the stairs, I remember my mother mentioning to my father that they should leave us be, so they went in the house while my Grandfather and I just stared at each other. We stared for what seemed like an eternity until I decided to break the stand-off and embraced him. He gave his usual smile and chuckle. And I woke up.
      I woke up that morning with new eyes and a new spirit. Now whether I believed it was truly my Grandfather's spirit coming to visit me or just some manifestation my brain created so I could release my guilt was inconsequential. What mattered was that the Truth came to me. Now the Truth is always there; you just either choose to believe it or you don't. People attempt to lecture the Truth, and we may think that we believe it, but it is only through the proof of life experiences does the Truth really come to you. For me, the Truth was that death is nothing to fear, and it is death which gives life meaning. The Truth was that one day, my future will not exist, making the present all the more important. The Truth was that if one person inspires another, then that person has changed the world. The Truth was that I had the power to change the world, as my Grandfather had, and I would utilize that power to the fullest. The Truth was that I was his life, and that I would carry his spirit wherever I went.
      When I mention my Grandfather's death to other people, I tend to get a lot of sympathy from them. While I find their sentiments touching, I also find them unnecessary. Although the trials of that period in my life caused me so much pain and grief, I will remember and cherish them for the rest of my life because they paved the way for the life I have now. I can honestly say that I am much happier now than I ever was when Grandfather was alive, and that is a testament to him and the way he raised me. I no longer see the difficult times in my life as ugly periods that I just want to get over. They are times that I embrace, for it is those times when the Truth reveals itself, and the vividness and beauty of life truly emerges.

October 16, 2001 11:19 PM

Wow, has it been four days since I updated my journal? I guess, so since I was touting the A's sweeping the Yanks, and since then they've been eliminated from the playoffs. ::sigh:: Well, the A's will be my team no matter what, and I'm still proud of those kids. In the meantime I've had a pretty good past couple of days. We elected our vacant positions on board, so hopefully we can finally reach some sense of balance and normalcy. Rehersals started Sunday for my play, which have been going well. I realize, though, that this will be one of the most difficult parts I've ever had to do, simply because the character is so intense and we only have 6 weeks until it's put on! Crazy! It'll be a great show, though. I'll make sure of it! Oh, I finally put pictures up in the family archive!!! I'm so juiced that websurfers all over the world, and in particular, family members, will have a chance to see pics of us in the Philippines. Hopefully this is the beginning of an awesome family website, but it's gonna take a long time and a few makeovers to make it happen, but it WILL happen. I'm really excited about it, and I hope people enjoy it very much. That seems to be all right now...how are you?

October 10, 2001 5:44 PM

Yes, it is uncommon for me to write up a journal entry in the late afternoon rather than the late evening. It's 'cuz today I felt like taking a day off from Samahang. I love the organization, but I just needed to get away from all that drama for a day. So far it's been rejuvenating; I took a nice four hour nap this afternoon and now I'm currently watching the A's hold onto a 1-0 lead against the Yanks. It doesn't look like I'll be going to the Samahang film presentation of "Oust!"; already seen it and I have to see my A's put the Yanks away this first game. :) All in all, a good day, and I think that I'll be much more prepared at handling the rest of the week.

October 12, 2001 5:10 PM

I've finally had time to work on the family archive and add some new pages. I don't really have any pictures up except the pictures I'm using as links to the other pages. I think when I get more time, it's gonna look pretty awesome, hopefully I'll get a few pictures of Baguio up by the end of the weekend. That's all I really wanted to say. I'll probably be back to give you my REAL journal entry. :P Peace!

October 11, 2001 11:16 PM

Hello from my new location! Yes, I have found a new home for my page since UCLA only gives me 5 MB, hardly any room for the amount of pics I have. When I find time, I hope to put up pictures from the Philippines, as well as work on the design of the family archive. And, yes, I put the family archive at a new site as well. I'm hoping by this weekend, after my homework is done, that I can put up the first pics from the Philippines on the site. As for college life, the week has gotten much easier. We had a very productive Samahang meeting this evening, clearing up a lot of confusion and now it appears leadership and general membership are all on the right track. OK, time for me to go and revel at the fact that my Oakland Athletics are on the verge of sweeping the defending World Champs! Peace!

October 9th, 2001 1:31 AM

OK, so I finally got back to updating my journal; I honestly don't know how long it will be until I update my website, either with new material or a new layout. The past week or so has been crazy. I really wish I took time out earlier to write everything that I did and/or been through. Most recently, things got really turbulent. On the one hand, I'd been having a great time. This weekend I went to three different welcome events for three different API organizations (Taiwanese American Union's beach day, Nikkei Student Union bonfire, and Vietnamese Student Union's picnic). I also tried out for this play that Sproul Hall is putting on and I got the lead role! I totally wasn't expecting it; I had tried out for some theatre shows my first year and didn't get into any of it, and I almost assumed that my theatre days in college would be non-existent. I just tried out for the sake of trying out, and because it was one of the few chances I had to act out a monologue from "Good Will Hunting," a movie with some of the greatest, most natural sounding dialogues ever written. I just came out with my natural voice and they must've seen something they liked! I am really excited at returning to the stage after being away for a year, and I think it will be a great show.

On the other hand, responsibilities with Samahang seem to have just piled up like crazy. We had a friggin' four hour meeting today with a discussion that just seemed like it was going in circles. I felt especially bad since it was my first time moderating a board meeting and felt that maybe I could have helped avert some of the backtracking. I felt worse knowing that I did not feel like moderating that day after doing a boring and tedious physics lab just a few minutes before. It was nice that after the long ass discussion that the board meeting took a lighter tone, but there was no doubt that everyone on board was pretty spent. I know that as Samahang board we will get through this; there is no doubt in my mind that everyone is doing their best to do what is best for the organization. But with a lack of precedence and no real reference point to which we can turn, this definitely poses as a great test of our resolve. And yes, I know I made the issue in question very vague. For those familiar with the inner workings of Samahang recently, you know what I'm talking about. For y'all outsiders, trust me, it's a VERY long story that you don't want to get too in depth about unless you have a large cup of coffee and nothing meaningful to do for the next several hours. It's times like these that I just need to step back, catch my breath, and run yelling a screaming to my SPEAR counselor for help (Where are you, Ryan?!?!?).

October 1st, 2001 1:45 AM

Wow, I'm realizing how friggin' hard it's going to be to keep this site up, and my sanity. This past week has been so exhausting with Samahang's Welcome Reception and this weekend's retreat with Asian Pacific Coalition. It was a very good retreat, but I don't know if I'm ready to go back to school. All I know is I have a whole bunch of info from APC that I have to synthesize for the board meeting tomorrow/later today. And I have a one-page essay due Tuesday, which shouldn't be a lot of work, but I fear that procrastination might screw me over. ::sigh:: You know, I think I need some rest...

September 27, 2001 12:51 AM

I should make this really short since I really need to get some sleep. Only had one class today, Math, which seemed alright; the professor sounded really cool. Made flyers for Samahang's Welcome Reception. Finally got an address for the family archive. If you want to visit it, the link is right here. OK, that's it. Need some Z's.

Sept. 26, 2001 1:32 AM

I am really exhausted right now, and I probably should not be up, but I think I should attempt to recap my day before I forget. Today was a long first day of class. It wasn't the class that was long. That was probably the highlight of my day, actually. I really like the vibes I get from class, with all the conversation and the professor, Lauri, being really cool about things. I think it's going to be a really good class. It definitely raised my hopes for the upcoming year. Anyway, after taking off and having a really cool conversation with some friends from University Chorus, I went to chill in the Samahang Office, worked out at the Wooden Center, and went back to the dorms to rest until my Chorus audition. Unfortunately, I mis-calculated the time it took to get from the 7th floor of Sproul to Shoenberg Hall, so I ended up 5 minutes late and no one was there!?! I wasn't all that pissed, but I certainly was exhausted for rushing over to Shoenberg and was disappointed for doing all that rushing for nothing. So I signed up for another audition, and then walked to the Engineering Welcome Night Reception to volunteer. I wasn't all that excited about it, partially due to the audition-that-wasn't, partially 'cuz my mind was on the candlelight vigil commemorating 9/11 later that night. But the organizers there were really cool about adjusting my volunteer schedule, so I was able to go back up to De Neve to help out with the vigil. I honestly really needed that vigil. After being first shocked with the images that came on the news that morning to the images of the funerals and the rubble to the spouting of the war rhetoric, I definitely did my best to feel in control of the situation by thinking critically about everything that happened. But as the silent procession approached Royce Hall and the music was playing, I broke down. I had eluded the grief and sorrow of the pain that was gripping the nation until tonight. Looking up at Royce, it felt like I was looking at God's temple, and thinking about the state of the world today made me feel so scared, so helpless, so dazed and confused. I had attempted to formulate the answers to challenge the answers the media had been giving us, but ultimately I had no answers, because it seemed all so senseless, and I include the attacks the WTC as well as those against the worldwide innocents among the Muslim community. I wrote a message to the victims tonight, calling for the end of the perpetuation of the hatred and violence that plagues all people. If people would only think before they acted... :-( Well, that was what I really wanted to get off my chest, 'cuz nothing really significant happened afterwards. That reminds me, I should call my mom soon; I really need to know what's going on with my cousins in the military. After all, they're the ones who'll be sent fighting in this holy war that American is succumbing to. Honestly, if we do physically go into war, I truly think the terrorists will have won.

Sept. 24, 2001 4:07 pm

Right now my friends, Adeste, Richard, 'n Maricar are all making like Sproul 717 is a recording studio, which is all good! I personally can't wait to get back into University Chorus 'n meet the new TA. I think this is definitely gonna be a good year at Sproul. I've met so many cool people, and Adeste 'n I have a bad ass dorm room! I just hope classes don't change things too much... I guess time will tell.

Sept. 22, 2001 8:11 pm

Well, it's my first journal entry for the website. Yay! It's been a while since I've had time to actually work on the site. The past few weeks have been hectic from me, from the tragedy on the East Coast, to moving my things from Oakland to Westwood, and then from Westwood to the dorms. Well I'm glad that that hellishness is pretty much over now, and now I can finally settle in, get to know my floormates, and most importantly for y'all, to work on my site! I know why people abandon sites so easily now, it's 'cuz the real world just beckons you like crazy! Well I just hope I can keep a good balance between the two. I've put up a bunch of the pictures, so hopefully I can put up all the ones from UCLA up by the end of the night. So, I guess it's back to work!